It's so awkward meeting an ex-boyfriend's girlfriend. Whether you say you have moved on, you'll still ask yourself, "why her?"
I am close to my ex boyfriends, Chino and Kevin. I love them. They are great guys that have been such a big part of my life. I am close to them because I realized that I need them to be just friends, rather than the probable "other half".
Anyway, Chino's girlfriend after me was a girl named Nicole. She was my classmate from prep, haha. I thought, wow, why her? She's a slut. She looks like a slut. She acts like a slut. Did he, like, change preferences? Gross. They broke up after a few months. Thankfully.
Next was Eighteen. Honestly, I liked her. She is pretty, she had great taste in music, very artistic, very cute, very smart... But, I didn't like her because I felt like she was so much like me (okay, feelingera). It just feels wrong to me that he is dating someone who was so much like me. But, she's quite prettier, and way richer than me. I'm not sure if they're still together, tho.
Kevin had a few number of short time girlfriends after me. He felt that he needed to take revenge on the whole population of females because I broke his heart blah blah. But, after some time, he snapped out of it and we finally resolved our issue. And we became friends. When I was in Pisay, even if I didn't post it on FB or Twitter, even if I don't text him, he would contact me at the right times, when I couldn't talk to anybody else. He'd suddenly text, "Sana okay ka lang, kumusta ka na?" Or, "Umiinom ka sana ng gamot, sana hindi na sumasakit 'yung tiyan mo." He's such a sweet guy.
When he found his recent girlfriend, my first thoughts were, "engk. Bland. Blank. Ordinary." But he loved her so much, so I gave her a chance. After a few years, my dislike grew because she's such a bitch, had poor manners, was illogical. But, what she had that I didn't have was dedication. She wanted to stay with him. She was so in-love to the point of driving him away from the rest of the world. He broke up with her. Good decision, too.
Why do I look at my exes' girlfriends and evaluate them?
1. I want to know what those girls have that I didn't have. Most of the time it's patience. I had the fun, and the care, but not the understanding.
2. I care about them. If they were to have girlfriends, they should have the best. Better than me in everything. And, poor them, there's no such girl better than me. Haha.
The point of this post is: My latest ex-boyfriend is now committed and I can't get over the fact that I don't like her, and that she is nothing like me. I guess that's what he wants, nothing like me.
Labels: #cw, #drama, %english, `friends, `love life, `problem
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[A/N] I will try my best to make this as honest and revealing as I can get.
Before I went to bed, the last thing I remember is thinking of Nikka Apostol. I was texting her on my mind about the type of girls we were: cutie, animated, colorful, petite... Then all of a sudden I was in a room.
It was a block room, one side didn't have a wall and opened to what looked like a typical western neighborhood. Let's call this side "the hole". Opposite to that side, there was a single door. I was seated facing the door. Out came Jemar and Ashley, saying their hi's before leaving through the hole. Followed by Fed, amazingly holding a ball. Then came my first group of friends: Mea, Nae, and Paula. Nae sat across me, and on her right was Paula. Mea sat on my left. There was a table, btw.
"Ano 'yung issue na sabi nila, lagi nalang daw kayong sunod samin ni Mea?" Nae asked. I honestly don't know what she's talking about.
"Never heard of that issue."
"'Yung ano, sabi nga nila lagi lang daw kayong sunod samin?"
"Hind ko nga alam kung ano 'yan." I said, a little annoyed. I look at Paula who was playing with Nae's hair.
"Kunwari ka lang na hindi mo alam, pero alam kong alam mo." To me, I thought she was implying something, but her voice and facial expression are all too innocent.
"Hindi 'yan ang naririnig kong issue. Katext ko lang si Nikka kanina, wala naman kaming napag-usapang ganyan."
Nae made a "okay, whatever" face.
"Eh, ikaw. Bat ba ang init ng ulo mo sakin? Nakikipagbati ako sayo, ayaw mo. Hindi kita papansin, ayaw mo. Magrereact ako, ayaw mo. Ano ba talagang gusto mo?"
Paula let go of Nae's hair and sat straight, looking quite distressed. Nae, just looked, disappointed. I look at Mea and she was, idk why, blank. Non-moving, looking far beyond her knees. Not smiling, not frowning. Just blank.
"Bakit ba hindi tayo makapagbati-bati? We were friends before, it shouldn't be a problem." "Sabi ko kasi sayo, eh-" I don't know who Paula directed this statement to.
And then Nix came saying she received my text.
What. Labels: #cw, #update, %taglish, sad, text
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I am scared of what can happen, what will happen. The future is but the consequences of what we do today. And, so, I am even more disheartened. If I fail, I can only blame myself. If my heart is broken, I can only blame myself. If I die regretting, I can only blame myself.
I keep stalling. Maybe it will be better. Maybe I don't need to decide. Maybe it'll present itself to me, somehow, someday.
I keep doubting myself. I can't do more than this. I'd fail even if I try. I'd fall just by walking.
I don't know how to take this negativity off of me. All I can do is pretend it's never there.
But, when the lights are off, and pjs are on, they come out of my bed and haunt me.
I don't want a broken heart. Labels: #cw, #drama, #random, %english, `friends, `love life, `problem, `school
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[AN] I found this last night. IDK what I was trying to write, lol. Here is it exactly:
AN: This is pure
fiction. Events and characters in this piece of work are fragments of the
authors imagination.
I remember fully,
the feeling of the cold floor, the smell of alcohol, your laughter vibrating
through the walls. It was a Saturday night, December 10 of 2010, and I just
finished my final exam in Math. You texted me right after my schedule.
"Hi, babe. Meet me at T on 8. Let's celebrate." I wasn't really in
the mood to celebrate since my Math just killed my brain. But, because you are
my boyfriend... No, wait.... Because I am your girlfriend, and that you say so,
I'll do so.
On the countless
times we've spent nights together, I guess one more won't hurt. We never really
did anything wrong. We never had sex. So, I never told my parents. They never
ask, so, I guess they don't really care. Even if they did ask, I don't think they'll
understand what we had. Well, now that I look back, I didn't understand what we
had. We always said it was pure love, but I doubt that now. What is love? What
did we have?
Anyway, I went back
to the boarding house to change into sexy clothes. I don't usually put make-up
on, but, I think a little bit would mask my depression from the exam. I check
the time and my digital clock reads 7:30 PM. It didn't took me long before I got
a cab. "Manong, idaan mo na sa Katipunan, diretso. Alam ko 'yung daan,
'wag niyo kong dadayain." The taxi driver gave me an ugly look and drove
off. Right now would be a good time to say that "a million things were
running through my mind." But to be honest, all I was thinking of was:
"I hope this ends fast." I was not as nervous as the first time we
went out, or as thrilled when I realized the risk in all these. I wasn't even
looking forward to seeing you.
I dialled your
number as I arrived at the restobar. "I reserved us a corner this
time," you said. I asked what we're celebrating exactly. You said to just
come and find out. The low beats welcome me as I open the door. I went straight
to the booths to look for you. You seriously reserved a corner for us. How much
did that cost you? Well, I guess less than it cost me after that night. You
were acting kinda funny that night. You didn't wait for me to reach the table,
you stood up and met me half way. And we kissed. It wasn't an unusual sight in
that place, but, I guess you wanted me to feel that you're proud I'm your
girlfriend. Okay, you were wooing me.
"What's with
all these?"
"Today's the
day, babe," you took my hand and kissed it. So cliche.
"The day of
what? It's not our anniversary, it's far from our birthdays, it's not yet
Christmas."
"I love you,
Nancy. You know that."
"Yes, Josh, I
know."
It was always like
that. You remind me that you love me and the conversation is over. You are
in-charge of our relationship.
2/23/11
6/30/11 Labels: #cw, %english, text
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DISCLAIMER: I've spent many hours of gaming online, but I am far from being a reliable source in the said area. However, something has been happening to me recently and I just want to share the experience.
Last year, my bestfriend [though I don't know if he feels the same way towards me{GAAAYYY}] Raymart and I were really excited when we heard about DotA 2 [was it just last year?]. We went and made our accounts at Steam immediately, hoping that we'll get DotA 2 beta keys. Unfortunately, we didn't know that you needed to fill up a survey first. And we just knew about that survey part this year. Pathetic. But luckily, we got our beta keys anyway.
THE DAY[s] WE GOT OUR BETA KEYS
i played using his account.
met a friend also playing.
the friend had an extra key.
{btw, my bestfriend got it from our friend's big brother}
**now back to the story-telling**
With only about 100 hours of DotA 2 gameplay, I have already seen the beauty of its community.
1. Finding friends
the game creates an efficient environment where you cn easily interat with other plyers. and it kida forces you to find trusted players. i used the word 'forces' because in the matchmaking part of the game, you will have random teammates unless you are in a party. but even if you joined a party, you can't be certain if they are good players. that's the importance of finding friends. you'll be able to choose good players by adding them to your friend list and whenever they are online, you will be able to play with them. i know that many games use this system but the difference is that this is DotA. and DotA is all about trashtalking and bashing. but seeing this kind of system applied on DotA is nothing short of a miracle.
2. Chat
The chatting system is also easy and convenient. while in-game, you can chat with people not participating in the game. its fast and minimal. nothing fancy but complete and solid. it does not open multiple windows but instead consolidated in one and separated by tabs. also, you have the ability to chat without minimizing the game.
3. Commending
another great feature is the ability to commend another player for a great performance. aside from the number of wins, this can also serve as a good basis in choosing your teammates. sometimes, friends just commend eachother for the sake of increasing it and sometimes there are those that really received them through hard work. you will benefit regardless because if the former is true, then that means that person has many friends and if the latter is true, well, no need to say more.
4. Scores
you can choose to participate in a private or public match. if you are practicing and is not that confident, you should play in private mode first. also, this can be a good place to find skilled teammates to play with in the public mode. unlike private matches, public matches will be recorded as a win or a lose and one extra score; 'abandoned'. in DotA 1, quitters were a huge problem as it destroys the fun and competitiveness of the game. and it annoys the shit out of the players that did not quit. it destroys the efficieny. it leads to wasted time and wasted hard work. so DotA 2 added 'abandoned' so that the quitters will be filtered away from those that stick to the game till the very end. the quitters will also be in low priority when doing public mode.
wow... feels like i just made a senseless post.
thats it for now. kbye <.< Labels: #cw, #manic, #random, %english, text
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If I was rich, I'd buy lots of shoes. I'd buy lots of clothes. I'd buy lots of other things to make me prettier / cooler. I'd dress up every single day. I won't be the lazy person that I am now. I'd wake up early to do my hair and make-up. I prolly won't party every night. I won't need to be around party people to feel that I'm cool... ish. Money can buy confidence.
If I was smart and wiser, I'd know what to major-in by now. I won't be blogging about this.
If I was a lesbian... Nothing much would prolly change.
If I was born on another time...
IDK why the hell I'm doing this post. No, wait. Actually, I do: I'm bored. I have a lot more "If I was" stuff in my mind, but I'm really not that *bright* RN. I'm short for words. Well, there's another "short" for me, aside from my legs. ANYWAY, random shit.
I THINK. If you guys read my posts diligently, you'll be a lot stupid-er now. I don't recommend you following my blog anymore. :|
AND SO, why the hell am I awake?
I so love my nails RN, but I'd also like to experiment. Oh, what to do?
GTG. This post is a mess. BYE~! Labels: #cw, %english, `me
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Am I crazy because:
a. I call Kira-sama as Kira-sama, and not Yagami Light
b. I want to be good at DotA
c. I listen to the Beatles when I'm nervous
d. I watch one MV for an hour when I get lonely (lately, t'was DoraDora)
e. I paint my nails violet, wear violet underwear, and use a violet shirt during Do or Die Exams
f. I have a crazy blog
Encircle just one. Or two if you're good looking.
edit.
read comments from crazy boyfriend. Labels: #cw, #list, #random, %english, `fandom, `school, text
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I think 80% of my total posts are made when I'm down and gray. And as you can see, this is a post about me, not The Beatles.
I grew up listening to The Beatles. My Dad is a fanboy, we tease him about it. Haha. Anyway, as I was saying I grew up knowing it ain't easy, I know how hard it could be. The way things are going, they're gonna crucify me. So, help! I need someone. Yesterday, all my troubles seems so far away, now, it looks like they're here to stay. Help me if you can, I'm feeling down. And I do appreciate you being around. I want to hold your hand. I'll let you be my man, and I'll let you hold my hand. And when I touch you I feel happy inside.
Anyway, there will be an answer. Let it be. They say, don't carry the world on your shoulders. Well, you now. It's a fool who plays it cool by making his world a little colder. Take a sad song and make it better. :) Nothing you can see that isn't shown. There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
I bet I'm high on nail polish. Labels: #cw, %english, `fandom, `problem, sad, text
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Public Display of Apology-? WHAAAHAHAAAT?
You can skip this, unless you're Marcgell. HAHA.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for always bullying you. I've gone too far with too many jokes. I'm sorry for hurting you. I know you're sensitive and I'm being a jerk. (Wow. Looks like I'm the guy in the relationship. HAHA. Okay. See? :| I did that again. I'm hopeless.) I'm sorry for humiliating you more than a couple of times, even online. :/ I'm sorry for not supporting you 140% every single time. I'm sorry for threatening to leave you, more than too much. Thank you for sticking with me, drunk or sober, sick or really sick, and, pretty or not-so-pretty times. I'm sorry I can't say the same. I'm srsly a bad girlfriend. :|
I'm sorry you weren't able to see the Avengers last Tuesday. I know, it's my fault. And, RN, I can't even remember why I did that. I'm srsly one bad case of papansin. I'm sorry.
Our being friends for so long before seems to affect our relationship now. I was always mean to you, always bullying you. Nothing seems to change.
I really do love you. The things I do may not show such, but my feelings towards you are beyond fairytales. I love you so much. I'll behave now. :/ I don't want to make you feel bad any longer.Labels: #cw, %english, `ehem
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I'm with Lei, and someone else I don't remember, and the three of us is going to this pool party in some high-end resort. Sabi kasi sakin ni Lei, tutugtog ang FT Island. So, sumama ako.When the gates opened, the scene was just magical. People having fun in a non-high way. Music blasted like a background music to a movie, I just can't figure out where it came from. There was a big pool at the far end, huts occupied half the space, and in the middle of the area was a make-shift bar. And then, there he was, the man I've so long wanted to meet, Choi Minhwan of FT Island. 'Di ko madescribe 'yung kilig na naramdaman ko. Agad-agad, I kinalabit ko na 'yung mga kasama ko and motioned them to follow me. "Can we take a picture together?" He looked at me and my heart melted like ice cream on a summer day. "Sure," he smiled at me. He put his drink down and stood up. Okay, he's tall. I'm, like, below his shoulder, so, he awkwardly sat down again. He put his hand on my arm and pulled me towards him. I felt like dying out of fangasm. His face beside mine. I felt his nose brush on my cheek as he looked at me. His breath on my cheek melted my already-slushie heart. When the picture-taking was done, I looked at him. He was holding a phone on his left hand. "Can I get your number?" Praise the god of all gods! Just like that, he actually gave his number. All the while, I kept on looking at him. He's just drinking, or rather, swirling the contents of his glass, looking relaxed. He seems to be just watching the party going on, like he's happy about everything around him. Suddenly, he saw me. I broke eye-contact. I tried to look busy with my phone but I just remembered how easily I got his number. Wait. That's it. I got his number. I'll just text him. Ask him how he's doing. I don't know why, or how, or if i'm dreaming, but it just happened. He's English isn't that good. I mean. Wow. Life is getting better and better every minute. As the night grew older, more miracles seemed to happened. He was beside me, and he was just smiling. We didn't converse, to be honest. We shared a few broken words once in a while, but most of the time we just, looked at each other. i told him i was there because Lei told me they'd play. He said they weren't going to perform, and that the crowd doesn't seem to know him. He said he's happy someone recognized him. Until eyeing turned into holding hands, and touching faces... and... and then my phone rang. Marcgell asked me to meet him at the gates. I went to the gates, and he was there. He kept on telling me things, and that he wanted to get inside. "No," I kept on telling him. "You can't come in here." IDK how, but... things just happened. And then I woke up. Thank God, Marcgell's still my boyfriend. Labels: #cw, %taglish, `fandom, fireworks
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I am not a Block B fan at all. Honestly, I don't like their management, and I don't like them. It's an unfair decision, I know. But, this is actually the first time I voiced that out.
I have numerous fandoms: Big Bang, 2ne1, U-KISS, FT Island, MBLAQ, and lately, INFINITE... Controversies arise every single day from all corners of the show business world. Everybody should know that. I hate it when rumors about my fandoms are spread. But, what hurts most are bad news about them.
A few weeks ago (I may be wrong), Block B became famous because of an interview in Thailand. I don't know the whole story, but the thing is, they offended Thai media. They, together with their management, immediately apologized via their website and other means. I respect the smart actions made after the incident.
Then came the news that Block B's maknae, P.O., having been bullied online, went into depression and was hospitalized. My twitter and tumblr was spammed with encouraging words for P.O. and the whole Block B. I respect that, too. And, actually, I support that. Yes, P.O. of Block B, please, get well soon. Block B, don't feel too bad, the KPop fangirls are here for you. I read one post on tumblr saying something like, "it's not about what fandom you're in, if one fandom's crying, you grieve with them." I know that. I know how it feels when a member leaves the group, whatever the reasons are, I believe I know
Labels: #cw, %english, `fandom, murderous
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By Ninalyn Uy
Isa lang naman ang
pamantayan ko sa paghahanap ng karelasyon: ikaw.
Pero siyempre bola
lang 'yun. Gusto ko lang kunin ang atensyon mo, dahil hindi ko alam kung
magkikita pa tayo ngayong semestre. Nababaliw na nga ako sa kaiisip kung ano
ang kahahantungan ng "love story" natin.
Malas mo dahil
mahilig akong magbasa ng Tagalog pocket books at manood ng mga Asianovela. Mula
sa mga tauhang sinubaybayan ko, alam kong kapag nakuha ng isang babaeng hindi
nagsusuklay at hindi naliligo pero kaiba at mukhang madiskarte ang atensyon ng
isang lalaki, posibleng maging sila.
Kung bakit mo ba
kasi pinipitik ang mga daliri mo sa harap ng mukha ko sa tuwing nagkakasalubong
tayo. Lagi mo pa akong kinakalabit, at kahit na sitahin pa kita ng
pinakamalulutong na mura, ngumingiti ka lang at tahimik na tumatawa. Tapos
bigla kang magsisimula ng mga usapang may kinalaman sa akin - kung saan ako
nag-hayskul, ano ang binabasa kong libro, kung masaya ba ako.
Buwisit na buwisit
ako sa klase natin last sem, pero isa ka sa mga dahilan kung bakit hindi ako
nag-drop. Kahit na narinig kitang tumatawa mag-isa tuwing napapahiya ako sa
recitation, at kahit panay ang turo mo sa aking tuwing nagtatawag si Prof ng
volunteer, okay lang sa'kin.
Kasalanan mo kung
bakit bigla kong pinag-isipan nang mabuti kung ano ang ilalagay kong profile
picture sa Facebook. Kasalanan mo kung bakit
napadalaw ako sa ukay-ukay nang mag-isa para lang, oo, mag-shopping.
Nabasa ko kasi ang payong ito sa Internet: If
someone is flirting with you, please cooperate. Oo, walang biro. Pati
mga payo sa internet, pinatulan ko na.
Hinahanap rin kita
sa Internet, akala mo. Nagbasa ako ng mga blog entry kung saan binabanggit ang
pangalan mo. Inalam ko kung sinu-sino ang common friends natin na posibleng
magpalalim sa kung ano mang meron tayo. Pinagtanong kita sa mga kaibigan mo at
lahat sila, nagkakasundong mabait ka nga.
Urong-sulong ka rin
kasi. Hindi ka masyadong assertive sa pakay mo sa'kin, kung mayroon man. Sa
dami ng mga pagkakataong nag-usap tayo, hindi mo hiningi ang number ko kahit
kailan. Hindi naman ako madamot sa "oo." Hinihintay ko lang na gumawa
ka ng first move. Nang tinawag mo ako noong huling araw ng klase natin para
sabay tayong maglakad, nag-usap lang tayo't naghiwalay na parang talent ni Kim
Chiu sa pag-arte: wala lang.
Siguro nga wala
naman talaga ako sa'yo bukod sa isang kaklase. O marahil naghahanap ka lang ng
Ate. Siguro kapag nagkita ulit tayo, tatango ka lang at bahagyang ngingiti pero
hindi ka lalapit para makipag-usap. Kaiba ka rin kasi. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit
pero sa'yo lang talaga ako natutuyuan ng laway at napangungunahan ng duda at
kaba. Siguro kasi sa lahat ng nagustuhan kong
lalaki, ikaw lang ang hindi celebrity.
Sakaling makilala mo
ang sarili mo sa akdang ito, alam mo naman kung saan ako maaaring puntahan o
kausapin. At huwag kang mag-alala - hindi pa rin ako madamot sa "oo."
Aanhin ko naman 'yun.
Originally published:
Kule / Philippine
Collegian
Martes 15 Nobyembre
2011
Labels: #cw, %tagalog, `love life, kule, text
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They say we miss the past because we're not quite happy of the present, or we don't see a promising future.
I have been going back to the past lately. And by lately, I mean every time I get the chance since midterms last sem. I'm trying to look for the exact time that I lose track of what I really want in life.
Right now, I'm going with the flow. Acads' fine, social life's fine... But, then what?
I know there was a time I was so sure of what I want in life. I had it all figured out, mapped, planned. All I had to do is tick off every goal I finish. But, I'm not getting anywhere. My heart is not happy with what I'm doing. I don't feel that this is what I want to do.
I don't want to be a Physicist anymore. I like Physics. I love the thrill, the chase, the challenge. But. I'm too scared, I'm fragile. I can only be rejected once. I just... can't... anymore.
Actually, I'm too scared for anything and everything right now. I don't have the confidence to be an Engineer, either. I don't know what I want to be. I don't think I want to be this way: Studying Sciences and Maths, and shit. Why? Why this? Did I srsly wanted this to be my life? I want to go back in time and slap myself. Why?
My heart does not belong here. But, what can I do? I can't back down now, can I? I'll just mindlessly go with this shit of a "future" I planned. I was so naive, believing I'd get to love the things the world wanted me to love. Labels: #cw, #life, %english, `life, `me, `school
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Why do you always find your way into my blog?
Dahil ba, gustong-gusto kita noon, feeling mo, gustong-gusto pa rin kita ngayon? Dahil ba, lagi-lagi kitang pinapanuod noon (actually, pati ngayon), feeling mo, gustong-gusto pa rin kita?
Iniwan mo na nga ako para dun sa pangit mong girlfriend, diba? Oh, wait. Ex-girlfriend pala.
Tapos, ngayon, feeling mo, may babalikan ka pa?
Hindi na kita pupuntahan. Kahit sunduin mo pa ko, hindi na kita pupuntahan. Kahit naka-limousine ka pa, kahit naka-white horse ka pa, hinding-hindi ako sasama sayo. Kahit dalhin mo pa mga banda mo from wherever, kahit dalhin mo pa buong Pep Squad (pa-obvious naman), hinding-hindi mo na mababago isip ko. Kahit gawan mo pa ko ng kanta, kahit gawan pa nila ako ng 15-minute routine, hinding-hindi na talaga magbabago isip ko. Kahit. Hindi pa rin.
Wala na akong pake sa gwapo mong mukha, sa maganda mong katawan, lalo na sa abs mo. Abs lang yan. Tatanda ka rin at magkakaka-beer belly! Wala na akong pake kung marunong ka ng JiuJitsu, Taekwondo, Judo, Aikido, Arnis... Wala na akong pake sa dami ng fans mo.
ETCHOS.
Wala na namang magawa. Wala kasing ma-post na hindi masyadong controversial. HAHAHAHA.
Point is, no means no, unless stated otherwise. Whuuut? :))) Labels: #cw, #life, %tagalog, %taglish, `ehem
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You only have 24 hours left in you life, how would you spend your last hours?
I can't wake up one day and find a note on my night stand saying: "You have 24 hours left. Enjoy!" I have lots of plans for my life. I have places I want to go to, people I want to meet. One day is not enough for me to satisfy my thirst for adventure and power.
But if I do wake up and find a note on my night stand saying I have 24 hours left to live this life, I'd make sure I have enough Taurine and Caffeine. It's show time.
I'd spend my first hour telling everyone that it's my last day on Earth. This comes with, "give me money or I'll die poor" line. I'd slap in the face those I hate, and I'll just smile at those I love. No time for chit chat. DO NOT TALK TO ME. Talk to me when I'm dead and I have the time to listen.
Since there's not enough time to travel around the world, and I'm sure there's not enough cash, either… I'll just go to places near and convenient. I want to be alone.
No, wait… SCRATCH THAT.
I'll look for SEUNG RI, OR TOMA, OR KEITO, and rape them. There goes my last 23 hours on Earth.
"Why would it matter, I'm gonna die anyway."
[scheduled post] Labels: #cw, %english, `fandom, `life
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The question I got is from Niki: If you were to repeat a specific part in your life, what would it be?
Every time I have exams, I ask myself: Why am I here? Why did I enter this university? I could have stayed in the province, study in the local university and be one of the smartest, and I'd be doing what I want to do, what other people should be doing right now…
But, I'm not saying I don't want to be here in UP. After exams, "yes, I did it." But, just before I enter a classroom, I always want to go back to time I was sure of what I really want.
If I could go back to a specific part of my life, that would be when I choose to enter UP. I want to go back to when I chose to be in these classrooms, with different people from different places. I want to go back to when I looked forward to being here with you guys, suffering together.
I want to go back to when I didn't have all of these (yet). Sometimes, it's nice to go back to the time where everything is just a dream.
We had less than two minutes to prepare, so I was a little, uhm, unorganized. We had another two minutes to deliver, so I kinda messed up a bit. Labels: #cw, %english, `life, `me, `school
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A/N: In-case I bash either U-KISS or their title tack Neverland, do remember that U-KISS is my number three of three original fandoms. I love U-KISS and Shin DongHo. ♥ I've recently watched Peter Pan (the live action movie, and I must say Peter is so gwapo), Peter Pan: Return to Neverland, and TinkerBell. My idea of Neverland is pirates, treasures, Indians, mermaids, lost boys, fairies, faith, trust, and pixie dust. U-KISS' title track Neverland talks about a fantasy oh so modern. I was shocked. The childhood memories I rebuilt these past few days shattered to pieces. It's about "money, love, fashion, fame". I guess these are the new pirate ships, fairies, mermaids… :( The MV is so dark, macho, scary… yet, sexy. I have to say, girls would seriously go [insert naughty adjective here] over this MV. I know I did. My issues about childhood aside, everything seems okay. This kind of music on U-KISS is new to me, but, they pulled it off. Their outfit, uhm, I'll let it pass. Dongho's bowl cut, is out of place tho. OH! AND THE CHOREOGRAPHY IS SO FUCKING MANLY. I love it. Now, on U-KISS as a group. I never liked Kiseop that much, but, I'm so proud of him. He finally, finally, got his lines. Lots of them, actually. His dancing is still great, too. He's become such a lovely man with such a lovely body. Good job! Soohyun's singing. Fuckyeah. That's it. I just typed Alexander's name, and, well… sad face. Dongho's rapping disturbs me. Why did he become a rapper? Not that there are too many rappers, with Eli and AJ in action. It's just, IDK, peculiar. He wasn't supposed to be a rapper. But then again, not because you weren't supposed to, doesn't mean you can't.
OVERALL: Neverland is right above the city sky, where the DJ puts the music on. We all have to party on. Da-da-dance a little more. Never stop moving to the never ending, blaring music. This is today's youth's fantasy. With sweaty handsome (half naked) Kpop Idols around. Labels: #cw, %english, `fandom, into it
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By Delfin Mercado It is morning once again. The night has come and gone in a whirlwind f blurred colors and hushed voices. The stale half of a jelly-filled donut lies on top of a bundle of envelopes and paper. Crushed coffee cups, cigarette butts and empty fastfood cartons litter the floor.
On every available bench and chair, someone is trying to catch a few minutes of sleep. The effect of that last cup of coffee I drank a few hours ago is already wearing off. My eyelids are drooping and I'm tempted to doze off for a while but I know that I shouldn't. It's "crunch time: in the Collegian office, and everyone is tapping on their laptops like crazy. The sound of the typing mingles with the monotonous buzzing of the airconditioner to seemingly mumble: "hush baby, close your eyes."
Sleep is the greatest flaw of humankind. Half of our lives is wasted on sleep. Imagine how much time that is. Without sleep, we could do twice as much. I wish I could go on working for days on end, without ever batting an eyelash.
The fellow beside me is yawning while squinting at a particularly red draft flashing on his laptop screen. One of the editors is lying on the floor face down, muttering "kill me now, kill me now." Behind me, an irate layout artist is pacing the floor, calming herself while waiting for articles to turn up. Far beyond, in the next room, I could hear someone snoring. A fallen warrior, dead to the world.
Sleep is a temptation. And losers succumb to it easily. Evading sleep is a skill and an art, a combination of proper training and right tricks of the trade. In this fast world where everything is paid by the hour, mastering the art of staying awake is the key to social mobility.
Mankind's civilization will reach its highest point when humans finally eradicate sleep. With people staying awake all the time, more hours may be spent on valuable research or in the creation of the best artworks.
The fellow beside me has also fallen to the trap, head on keyboard. A few moments from now, the few who have remained standing will also fall. I must outlive them. I am efficient. I am the man. I will defeat sleep. It has been three days since the last time I was able to sleep on my own bed. Or sleep at all. I don't sleep - I take naps.
Just a little bit more and I'll outlast them. Poor, unfortunate, inefficient souls.
The morning sun is already showing its might. The letters in my laptop screen are slowly turning in a psychedelic fashion. Hello, Mr. Sandman.
[Published in the Philippine Collegian, September 8, 2011] Labels: #cw, %english, `life
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I am guilty: I forgot your birthday. I haven't been myself for so long, and, well, I wasn't able to greet you on your special day. Even though I remembered your birthday later, I didn't have the courage to greet you late… until now, that is. (I wrote this September 3, just didn't have strong enough internet.) I'd wish something for you, but, I don't know what you don't have. I do know you're already blessed with wisdom, knowledge, beauty, friendship, love... And, well, :) I guess I just wish this new year in your life is as great, if not better, than the previous one. You're growing up to be a great person. :) I love you~! Labels: #cw, %english, fireworks
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It's a common patch-up for broken "romantic" relationships. It's just natural for the one left behind to say they'll wait. When you say you'll "wait" for someone, it sounds so noble, so loyal. It's one honest feeling you have right after a break-up. But, seriously, think about it. If a person really loves you, they won't let you wait for them. If they care enough about you, they'll atleast tell you not to wait… They'll tell you to live your life. They'll tell you to go out there and have the fun you deserve. They'll tell you to go date others, go running after your dreams. They won't just let you wait. They won't imply for you to wait. They won't even show the slightest comfort on the idea. And on that note, I'm glad I loved someone who never burdened me with the idea of waiting. When someone says they'll wait for you, don't expect such things. People are not patient by nature. And, honestly now, we dislike waiting*. We hate lines, and taking numbers. We want to be serviced now. We want answers ASAP. We want all the good things RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW. But, we never want to handle the bad things ASAP, and that's a different story, I'm going off topic. ANYWAY, back to the topic, we dislike waiting. If you respect the person atleast, don't let them wait. Be a gentleman (or a lady, or a human atleast) and don't make them wait for your sorry ass to be ready for them. Don't stop them from living their life. Don't let them waste their time. Everybody changes. You'll never know if you'll ever be good enough for them. You'll never know if they'll ever find someone better than you. Thus, don't make someone wait for you. And even if they insist, don't expect them to. Anytime you're going on with your life, messing around, thinking it's okay since someone's waiting for you, they might snap out of it and move on. And, besides, if you really want to be good enough for someone, you won't let them "wait". You stay by their side, and bit by bit , be molded into the person the relationship needs. Woo. But, you know, that's just me. :) My blog, my opinion. A/N: *I was planning to say "hate waiting", but then, hate is a strong word. **Did you notice how many "atleast's" there are in this post? LOL. OVERUSED. Labels: #cw, %english, `life
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It's so awkward meeting an ex-boyfriend's girlfriend. Whether you say you have moved on, you'll still ask yourself, "why her?"
I am close to my ex boyfriends, Chino and Kevin. I love them. They are great guys that have been such a big part of my life. I am close to them because I realized that I need them to be just friends, rather than the probable "other half".
Anyway, Chino's girlfriend after me was a girl named Nicole. She was my classmate from prep, haha. I thought, wow, why her? She's a slut. She looks like a slut. She acts like a slut. Did he, like, change preferences? Gross. They broke up after a few months. Thankfully.
Next was Eighteen. Honestly, I liked her. She is pretty, she had great taste in music, very artistic, very cute, very smart... But, I didn't like her because I felt like she was so much like me (okay, feelingera). It just feels wrong to me that he is dating someone who was so much like me. But, she's quite prettier, and way richer than me. I'm not sure if they're still together, tho.
Kevin had a few number of short time girlfriends after me. He felt that he needed to take revenge on the whole population of females because I broke his heart blah blah. But, after some time, he snapped out of it and we finally resolved our issue. And we became friends. When I was in Pisay, even if I didn't post it on FB or Twitter, even if I don't text him, he would contact me at the right times, when I couldn't talk to anybody else. He'd suddenly text, "Sana okay ka lang, kumusta ka na?" Or, "Umiinom ka sana ng gamot, sana hindi na sumasakit 'yung tiyan mo." He's such a sweet guy.
When he found his recent girlfriend, my first thoughts were, "engk. Bland. Blank. Ordinary." But he loved her so much, so I gave her a chance. After a few years, my dislike grew because she's such a bitch, had poor manners, was illogical. But, what she had that I didn't have was dedication. She wanted to stay with him. She was so in-love to the point of driving him away from the rest of the world. He broke up with her. Good decision, too.
Why do I look at my exes' girlfriends and evaluate them?
1. I want to know what those girls have that I didn't have. Most of the time it's patience. I had the fun, and the care, but not the understanding.
2. I care about them. If they were to have girlfriends, they should have the best. Better than me in everything. And, poor them, there's no such girl better than me. Haha.
The point of this post is: My latest ex-boyfriend is now committed and I can't get over the fact that I don't like her, and that she is nothing like me. I guess that's what he wants, nothing like me.
Labels: #cw, #drama, %english, `friends, `love life, `problem
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[A/N] I will try my best to make this as honest and revealing as I can get.
Before I went to bed, the last thing I remember is thinking of Nikka Apostol. I was texting her on my mind about the type of girls we were: cutie, animated, colorful, petite... Then all of a sudden I was in a room.
It was a block room, one side didn't have a wall and opened to what looked like a typical western neighborhood. Let's call this side "the hole". Opposite to that side, there was a single door. I was seated facing the door. Out came Jemar and Ashley, saying their hi's before leaving through the hole. Followed by Fed, amazingly holding a ball. Then came my first group of friends: Mea, Nae, and Paula. Nae sat across me, and on her right was Paula. Mea sat on my left. There was a table, btw.
"Ano 'yung issue na sabi nila, lagi nalang daw kayong sunod samin ni Mea?" Nae asked. I honestly don't know what she's talking about.
"Never heard of that issue."
"'Yung ano, sabi nga nila lagi lang daw kayong sunod samin?"
"Hind ko nga alam kung ano 'yan." I said, a little annoyed. I look at Paula who was playing with Nae's hair.
"Kunwari ka lang na hindi mo alam, pero alam kong alam mo." To me, I thought she was implying something, but her voice and facial expression are all too innocent.
"Hindi 'yan ang naririnig kong issue. Katext ko lang si Nikka kanina, wala naman kaming napag-usapang ganyan."
Nae made a "okay, whatever" face.
"Eh, ikaw. Bat ba ang init ng ulo mo sakin? Nakikipagbati ako sayo, ayaw mo. Hindi kita papansin, ayaw mo. Magrereact ako, ayaw mo. Ano ba talagang gusto mo?"
Paula let go of Nae's hair and sat straight, looking quite distressed. Nae, just looked, disappointed. I look at Mea and she was, idk why, blank. Non-moving, looking far beyond her knees. Not smiling, not frowning. Just blank.
"Bakit ba hindi tayo makapagbati-bati? We were friends before, it shouldn't be a problem." "Sabi ko kasi sayo, eh-" I don't know who Paula directed this statement to.
And then Nix came saying she received my text.
What. Labels: #cw, #update, %taglish, sad, text
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I am scared of what can happen, what will happen. The future is but the consequences of what we do today. And, so, I am even more disheartened. If I fail, I can only blame myself. If my heart is broken, I can only blame myself. If I die regretting, I can only blame myself.
I keep stalling. Maybe it will be better. Maybe I don't need to decide. Maybe it'll present itself to me, somehow, someday.
I keep doubting myself. I can't do more than this. I'd fail even if I try. I'd fall just by walking.
I don't know how to take this negativity off of me. All I can do is pretend it's never there.
But, when the lights are off, and pjs are on, they come out of my bed and haunt me.
I don't want a broken heart. Labels: #cw, #drama, #random, %english, `friends, `love life, `problem, `school
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[AN] I found this last night. IDK what I was trying to write, lol. Here is it exactly:
AN: This is pure
fiction. Events and characters in this piece of work are fragments of the
authors imagination.
I remember fully,
the feeling of the cold floor, the smell of alcohol, your laughter vibrating
through the walls. It was a Saturday night, December 10 of 2010, and I just
finished my final exam in Math. You texted me right after my schedule.
"Hi, babe. Meet me at T on 8. Let's celebrate." I wasn't really in
the mood to celebrate since my Math just killed my brain. But, because you are
my boyfriend... No, wait.... Because I am your girlfriend, and that you say so,
I'll do so.
On the countless
times we've spent nights together, I guess one more won't hurt. We never really
did anything wrong. We never had sex. So, I never told my parents. They never
ask, so, I guess they don't really care. Even if they did ask, I don't think they'll
understand what we had. Well, now that I look back, I didn't understand what we
had. We always said it was pure love, but I doubt that now. What is love? What
did we have?
Anyway, I went back
to the boarding house to change into sexy clothes. I don't usually put make-up
on, but, I think a little bit would mask my depression from the exam. I check
the time and my digital clock reads 7:30 PM. It didn't took me long before I got
a cab. "Manong, idaan mo na sa Katipunan, diretso. Alam ko 'yung daan,
'wag niyo kong dadayain." The taxi driver gave me an ugly look and drove
off. Right now would be a good time to say that "a million things were
running through my mind." But to be honest, all I was thinking of was:
"I hope this ends fast." I was not as nervous as the first time we
went out, or as thrilled when I realized the risk in all these. I wasn't even
looking forward to seeing you.
I dialled your
number as I arrived at the restobar. "I reserved us a corner this
time," you said. I asked what we're celebrating exactly. You said to just
come and find out. The low beats welcome me as I open the door. I went straight
to the booths to look for you. You seriously reserved a corner for us. How much
did that cost you? Well, I guess less than it cost me after that night. You
were acting kinda funny that night. You didn't wait for me to reach the table,
you stood up and met me half way. And we kissed. It wasn't an unusual sight in
that place, but, I guess you wanted me to feel that you're proud I'm your
girlfriend. Okay, you were wooing me.
"What's with
all these?"
"Today's the
day, babe," you took my hand and kissed it. So cliche.
"The day of
what? It's not our anniversary, it's far from our birthdays, it's not yet
Christmas."
"I love you,
Nancy. You know that."
"Yes, Josh, I
know."
It was always like
that. You remind me that you love me and the conversation is over. You are
in-charge of our relationship.
2/23/11
6/30/11 Labels: #cw, %english, text
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DISCLAIMER: I've spent many hours of gaming online, but I am far from being a reliable source in the said area. However, something has been happening to me recently and I just want to share the experience.
Last year, my bestfriend [though I don't know if he feels the same way towards me{GAAAYYY}] Raymart and I were really excited when we heard about DotA 2 [was it just last year?]. We went and made our accounts at Steam immediately, hoping that we'll get DotA 2 beta keys. Unfortunately, we didn't know that you needed to fill up a survey first. And we just knew about that survey part this year. Pathetic. But luckily, we got our beta keys anyway.
THE DAY[s] WE GOT OUR BETA KEYS
i played using his account.
met a friend also playing.
the friend had an extra key.
{btw, my bestfriend got it from our friend's big brother}
**now back to the story-telling**
With only about 100 hours of DotA 2 gameplay, I have already seen the beauty of its community.
1. Finding friends
the game creates an efficient environment where you cn easily interat with other plyers. and it kida forces you to find trusted players. i used the word 'forces' because in the matchmaking part of the game, you will have random teammates unless you are in a party. but even if you joined a party, you can't be certain if they are good players. that's the importance of finding friends. you'll be able to choose good players by adding them to your friend list and whenever they are online, you will be able to play with them. i know that many games use this system but the difference is that this is DotA. and DotA is all about trashtalking and bashing. but seeing this kind of system applied on DotA is nothing short of a miracle.
2. Chat
The chatting system is also easy and convenient. while in-game, you can chat with people not participating in the game. its fast and minimal. nothing fancy but complete and solid. it does not open multiple windows but instead consolidated in one and separated by tabs. also, you have the ability to chat without minimizing the game.
3. Commending
another great feature is the ability to commend another player for a great performance. aside from the number of wins, this can also serve as a good basis in choosing your teammates. sometimes, friends just commend eachother for the sake of increasing it and sometimes there are those that really received them through hard work. you will benefit regardless because if the former is true, then that means that person has many friends and if the latter is true, well, no need to say more.
4. Scores
you can choose to participate in a private or public match. if you are practicing and is not that confident, you should play in private mode first. also, this can be a good place to find skilled teammates to play with in the public mode. unlike private matches, public matches will be recorded as a win or a lose and one extra score; 'abandoned'. in DotA 1, quitters were a huge problem as it destroys the fun and competitiveness of the game. and it annoys the shit out of the players that did not quit. it destroys the efficieny. it leads to wasted time and wasted hard work. so DotA 2 added 'abandoned' so that the quitters will be filtered away from those that stick to the game till the very end. the quitters will also be in low priority when doing public mode.
wow... feels like i just made a senseless post.
thats it for now. kbye <.< Labels: #cw, #manic, #random, %english, text
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If I was rich, I'd buy lots of shoes. I'd buy lots of clothes. I'd buy lots of other things to make me prettier / cooler. I'd dress up every single day. I won't be the lazy person that I am now. I'd wake up early to do my hair and make-up. I prolly won't party every night. I won't need to be around party people to feel that I'm cool... ish. Money can buy confidence.
If I was smart and wiser, I'd know what to major-in by now. I won't be blogging about this.
If I was a lesbian... Nothing much would prolly change.
If I was born on another time...
IDK why the hell I'm doing this post. No, wait. Actually, I do: I'm bored. I have a lot more "If I was" stuff in my mind, but I'm really not that *bright* RN. I'm short for words. Well, there's another "short" for me, aside from my legs. ANYWAY, random shit.
I THINK. If you guys read my posts diligently, you'll be a lot stupid-er now. I don't recommend you following my blog anymore. :|
AND SO, why the hell am I awake?
I so love my nails RN, but I'd also like to experiment. Oh, what to do?
GTG. This post is a mess. BYE~! Labels: #cw, %english, `me
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Am I crazy because:
a. I call Kira-sama as Kira-sama, and not Yagami Light
b. I want to be good at DotA
c. I listen to the Beatles when I'm nervous
d. I watch one MV for an hour when I get lonely (lately, t'was DoraDora)
e. I paint my nails violet, wear violet underwear, and use a violet shirt during Do or Die Exams
f. I have a crazy blog
Encircle just one. Or two if you're good looking.
edit.
read comments from crazy boyfriend. Labels: #cw, #list, #random, %english, `fandom, `school, text
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I think 80% of my total posts are made when I'm down and gray. And as you can see, this is a post about me, not The Beatles.
I grew up listening to The Beatles. My Dad is a fanboy, we tease him about it. Haha. Anyway, as I was saying I grew up knowing it ain't easy, I know how hard it could be. The way things are going, they're gonna crucify me. So, help! I need someone. Yesterday, all my troubles seems so far away, now, it looks like they're here to stay. Help me if you can, I'm feeling down. And I do appreciate you being around. I want to hold your hand. I'll let you be my man, and I'll let you hold my hand. And when I touch you I feel happy inside.
Anyway, there will be an answer. Let it be. They say, don't carry the world on your shoulders. Well, you now. It's a fool who plays it cool by making his world a little colder. Take a sad song and make it better. :) Nothing you can see that isn't shown. There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
I bet I'm high on nail polish. Labels: #cw, %english, `fandom, `problem, sad, text
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Public Display of Apology-? WHAAAHAHAAAT?
You can skip this, unless you're Marcgell. HAHA.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for always bullying you. I've gone too far with too many jokes. I'm sorry for hurting you. I know you're sensitive and I'm being a jerk. (Wow. Looks like I'm the guy in the relationship. HAHA. Okay. See? :| I did that again. I'm hopeless.) I'm sorry for humiliating you more than a couple of times, even online. :/ I'm sorry for not supporting you 140% every single time. I'm sorry for threatening to leave you, more than too much. Thank you for sticking with me, drunk or sober, sick or really sick, and, pretty or not-so-pretty times. I'm sorry I can't say the same. I'm srsly a bad girlfriend. :|
I'm sorry you weren't able to see the Avengers last Tuesday. I know, it's my fault. And, RN, I can't even remember why I did that. I'm srsly one bad case of papansin. I'm sorry.
Our being friends for so long before seems to affect our relationship now. I was always mean to you, always bullying you. Nothing seems to change.
I really do love you. The things I do may not show such, but my feelings towards you are beyond fairytales. I love you so much. I'll behave now. :/ I don't want to make you feel bad any longer.Labels: #cw, %english, `ehem
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I'm with Lei, and someone else I don't remember, and the three of us is going to this pool party in some high-end resort. Sabi kasi sakin ni Lei, tutugtog ang FT Island. So, sumama ako.When the gates opened, the scene was just magical. People having fun in a non-high way. Music blasted like a background music to a movie, I just can't figure out where it came from. There was a big pool at the far end, huts occupied half the space, and in the middle of the area was a make-shift bar. And then, there he was, the man I've so long wanted to meet, Choi Minhwan of FT Island. 'Di ko madescribe 'yung kilig na naramdaman ko. Agad-agad, I kinalabit ko na 'yung mga kasama ko and motioned them to follow me. "Can we take a picture together?" He looked at me and my heart melted like ice cream on a summer day. "Sure," he smiled at me. He put his drink down and stood up. Okay, he's tall. I'm, like, below his shoulder, so, he awkwardly sat down again. He put his hand on my arm and pulled me towards him. I felt like dying out of fangasm. His face beside mine. I felt his nose brush on my cheek as he looked at me. His breath on my cheek melted my already-slushie heart. When the picture-taking was done, I looked at him. He was holding a phone on his left hand. "Can I get your number?" Praise the god of all gods! Just like that, he actually gave his number. All the while, I kept on looking at him. He's just drinking, or rather, swirling the contents of his glass, looking relaxed. He seems to be just watching the party going on, like he's happy about everything around him. Suddenly, he saw me. I broke eye-contact. I tried to look busy with my phone but I just remembered how easily I got his number. Wait. That's it. I got his number. I'll just text him. Ask him how he's doing. I don't know why, or how, or if i'm dreaming, but it just happened. He's English isn't that good. I mean. Wow. Life is getting better and better every minute. As the night grew older, more miracles seemed to happened. He was beside me, and he was just smiling. We didn't converse, to be honest. We shared a few broken words once in a while, but most of the time we just, looked at each other. i told him i was there because Lei told me they'd play. He said they weren't going to perform, and that the crowd doesn't seem to know him. He said he's happy someone recognized him. Until eyeing turned into holding hands, and touching faces... and... and then my phone rang. Marcgell asked me to meet him at the gates. I went to the gates, and he was there. He kept on telling me things, and that he wanted to get inside. "No," I kept on telling him. "You can't come in here." IDK how, but... things just happened. And then I woke up. Thank God, Marcgell's still my boyfriend. Labels: #cw, %taglish, `fandom, fireworks
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I am not a Block B fan at all. Honestly, I don't like their management, and I don't like them. It's an unfair decision, I know. But, this is actually the first time I voiced that out.
I have numerous fandoms: Big Bang, 2ne1, U-KISS, FT Island, MBLAQ, and lately, INFINITE... Controversies arise every single day from all corners of the show business world. Everybody should know that. I hate it when rumors about my fandoms are spread. But, what hurts most are bad news about them.
A few weeks ago (I may be wrong), Block B became famous because of an interview in Thailand. I don't know the whole story, but the thing is, they offended Thai media. They, together with their management, immediately apologized via their website and other means. I respect the smart actions made after the incident.
Then came the news that Block B's maknae, P.O., having been bullied online, went into depression and was hospitalized. My twitter and tumblr was spammed with encouraging words for P.O. and the whole Block B. I respect that, too. And, actually, I support that. Yes, P.O. of Block B, please, get well soon. Block B, don't feel too bad, the KPop fangirls are here for you. I read one post on tumblr saying something like, "it's not about what fandom you're in, if one fandom's crying, you grieve with them." I know that. I know how it feels when a member leaves the group, whatever the reasons are, I believe I know
Labels: #cw, %english, `fandom, murderous
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By Ninalyn Uy
Isa lang naman ang
pamantayan ko sa paghahanap ng karelasyon: ikaw.
Pero siyempre bola
lang 'yun. Gusto ko lang kunin ang atensyon mo, dahil hindi ko alam kung
magkikita pa tayo ngayong semestre. Nababaliw na nga ako sa kaiisip kung ano
ang kahahantungan ng "love story" natin.
Malas mo dahil
mahilig akong magbasa ng Tagalog pocket books at manood ng mga Asianovela. Mula
sa mga tauhang sinubaybayan ko, alam kong kapag nakuha ng isang babaeng hindi
nagsusuklay at hindi naliligo pero kaiba at mukhang madiskarte ang atensyon ng
isang lalaki, posibleng maging sila.
Kung bakit mo ba
kasi pinipitik ang mga daliri mo sa harap ng mukha ko sa tuwing nagkakasalubong
tayo. Lagi mo pa akong kinakalabit, at kahit na sitahin pa kita ng
pinakamalulutong na mura, ngumingiti ka lang at tahimik na tumatawa. Tapos
bigla kang magsisimula ng mga usapang may kinalaman sa akin - kung saan ako
nag-hayskul, ano ang binabasa kong libro, kung masaya ba ako.
Buwisit na buwisit
ako sa klase natin last sem, pero isa ka sa mga dahilan kung bakit hindi ako
nag-drop. Kahit na narinig kitang tumatawa mag-isa tuwing napapahiya ako sa
recitation, at kahit panay ang turo mo sa aking tuwing nagtatawag si Prof ng
volunteer, okay lang sa'kin.
Kasalanan mo kung
bakit bigla kong pinag-isipan nang mabuti kung ano ang ilalagay kong profile
picture sa Facebook. Kasalanan mo kung bakit
napadalaw ako sa ukay-ukay nang mag-isa para lang, oo, mag-shopping.
Nabasa ko kasi ang payong ito sa Internet: If
someone is flirting with you, please cooperate. Oo, walang biro. Pati
mga payo sa internet, pinatulan ko na.
Hinahanap rin kita
sa Internet, akala mo. Nagbasa ako ng mga blog entry kung saan binabanggit ang
pangalan mo. Inalam ko kung sinu-sino ang common friends natin na posibleng
magpalalim sa kung ano mang meron tayo. Pinagtanong kita sa mga kaibigan mo at
lahat sila, nagkakasundong mabait ka nga.
Urong-sulong ka rin
kasi. Hindi ka masyadong assertive sa pakay mo sa'kin, kung mayroon man. Sa
dami ng mga pagkakataong nag-usap tayo, hindi mo hiningi ang number ko kahit
kailan. Hindi naman ako madamot sa "oo." Hinihintay ko lang na gumawa
ka ng first move. Nang tinawag mo ako noong huling araw ng klase natin para
sabay tayong maglakad, nag-usap lang tayo't naghiwalay na parang talent ni Kim
Chiu sa pag-arte: wala lang.
Siguro nga wala
naman talaga ako sa'yo bukod sa isang kaklase. O marahil naghahanap ka lang ng
Ate. Siguro kapag nagkita ulit tayo, tatango ka lang at bahagyang ngingiti pero
hindi ka lalapit para makipag-usap. Kaiba ka rin kasi. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit
pero sa'yo lang talaga ako natutuyuan ng laway at napangungunahan ng duda at
kaba. Siguro kasi sa lahat ng nagustuhan kong
lalaki, ikaw lang ang hindi celebrity.
Sakaling makilala mo
ang sarili mo sa akdang ito, alam mo naman kung saan ako maaaring puntahan o
kausapin. At huwag kang mag-alala - hindi pa rin ako madamot sa "oo."
Aanhin ko naman 'yun.
Originally published:
Kule / Philippine
Collegian
Martes 15 Nobyembre
2011
Labels: #cw, %tagalog, `love life, kule, text
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They say we miss the past because we're not quite happy of the present, or we don't see a promising future.
I have been going back to the past lately. And by lately, I mean every time I get the chance since midterms last sem. I'm trying to look for the exact time that I lose track of what I really want in life.
Right now, I'm going with the flow. Acads' fine, social life's fine... But, then what?
I know there was a time I was so sure of what I want in life. I had it all figured out, mapped, planned. All I had to do is tick off every goal I finish. But, I'm not getting anywhere. My heart is not happy with what I'm doing. I don't feel that this is what I want to do.
I don't want to be a Physicist anymore. I like Physics. I love the thrill, the chase, the challenge. But. I'm too scared, I'm fragile. I can only be rejected once. I just... can't... anymore.
Actually, I'm too scared for anything and everything right now. I don't have the confidence to be an Engineer, either. I don't know what I want to be. I don't think I want to be this way: Studying Sciences and Maths, and shit. Why? Why this? Did I srsly wanted this to be my life? I want to go back in time and slap myself. Why?
My heart does not belong here. But, what can I do? I can't back down now, can I? I'll just mindlessly go with this shit of a "future" I planned. I was so naive, believing I'd get to love the things the world wanted me to love. Labels: #cw, #life, %english, `life, `me, `school
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Why do you always find your way into my blog?
Dahil ba, gustong-gusto kita noon, feeling mo, gustong-gusto pa rin kita ngayon? Dahil ba, lagi-lagi kitang pinapanuod noon (actually, pati ngayon), feeling mo, gustong-gusto pa rin kita?
Iniwan mo na nga ako para dun sa pangit mong girlfriend, diba? Oh, wait. Ex-girlfriend pala.
Tapos, ngayon, feeling mo, may babalikan ka pa?
Hindi na kita pupuntahan. Kahit sunduin mo pa ko, hindi na kita pupuntahan. Kahit naka-limousine ka pa, kahit naka-white horse ka pa, hinding-hindi ako sasama sayo. Kahit dalhin mo pa mga banda mo from wherever, kahit dalhin mo pa buong Pep Squad (pa-obvious naman), hinding-hindi mo na mababago isip ko. Kahit gawan mo pa ko ng kanta, kahit gawan pa nila ako ng 15-minute routine, hinding-hindi na talaga magbabago isip ko. Kahit. Hindi pa rin.
Wala na akong pake sa gwapo mong mukha, sa maganda mong katawan, lalo na sa abs mo. Abs lang yan. Tatanda ka rin at magkakaka-beer belly! Wala na akong pake kung marunong ka ng JiuJitsu, Taekwondo, Judo, Aikido, Arnis... Wala na akong pake sa dami ng fans mo.
ETCHOS.
Wala na namang magawa. Wala kasing ma-post na hindi masyadong controversial. HAHAHAHA.
Point is, no means no, unless stated otherwise. Whuuut? :))) Labels: #cw, #life, %tagalog, %taglish, `ehem
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You only have 24 hours left in you life, how would you spend your last hours?
I can't wake up one day and find a note on my night stand saying: "You have 24 hours left. Enjoy!" I have lots of plans for my life. I have places I want to go to, people I want to meet. One day is not enough for me to satisfy my thirst for adventure and power.
But if I do wake up and find a note on my night stand saying I have 24 hours left to live this life, I'd make sure I have enough Taurine and Caffeine. It's show time.
I'd spend my first hour telling everyone that it's my last day on Earth. This comes with, "give me money or I'll die poor" line. I'd slap in the face those I hate, and I'll just smile at those I love. No time for chit chat. DO NOT TALK TO ME. Talk to me when I'm dead and I have the time to listen.
Since there's not enough time to travel around the world, and I'm sure there's not enough cash, either… I'll just go to places near and convenient. I want to be alone.
No, wait… SCRATCH THAT.
I'll look for SEUNG RI, OR TOMA, OR KEITO, and rape them. There goes my last 23 hours on Earth.
"Why would it matter, I'm gonna die anyway."
[scheduled post] Labels: #cw, %english, `fandom, `life
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The question I got is from Niki: If you were to repeat a specific part in your life, what would it be?
Every time I have exams, I ask myself: Why am I here? Why did I enter this university? I could have stayed in the province, study in the local university and be one of the smartest, and I'd be doing what I want to do, what other people should be doing right now…
But, I'm not saying I don't want to be here in UP. After exams, "yes, I did it." But, just before I enter a classroom, I always want to go back to time I was sure of what I really want.
If I could go back to a specific part of my life, that would be when I choose to enter UP. I want to go back to when I chose to be in these classrooms, with different people from different places. I want to go back to when I looked forward to being here with you guys, suffering together.
I want to go back to when I didn't have all of these (yet). Sometimes, it's nice to go back to the time where everything is just a dream.
We had less than two minutes to prepare, so I was a little, uhm, unorganized. We had another two minutes to deliver, so I kinda messed up a bit. Labels: #cw, %english, `life, `me, `school
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A/N: In-case I bash either U-KISS or their title tack Neverland, do remember that U-KISS is my number three of three original fandoms. I love U-KISS and Shin DongHo. ♥ I've recently watched Peter Pan (the live action movie, and I must say Peter is so gwapo), Peter Pan: Return to Neverland, and TinkerBell. My idea of Neverland is pirates, treasures, Indians, mermaids, lost boys, fairies, faith, trust, and pixie dust. U-KISS' title track Neverland talks about a fantasy oh so modern. I was shocked. The childhood memories I rebuilt these past few days shattered to pieces. It's about "money, love, fashion, fame". I guess these are the new pirate ships, fairies, mermaids… :( The MV is so dark, macho, scary… yet, sexy. I have to say, girls would seriously go [insert naughty adjective here] over this MV. I know I did. My issues about childhood aside, everything seems okay. This kind of music on U-KISS is new to me, but, they pulled it off. Their outfit, uhm, I'll let it pass. Dongho's bowl cut, is out of place tho. OH! AND THE CHOREOGRAPHY IS SO FUCKING MANLY. I love it. Now, on U-KISS as a group. I never liked Kiseop that much, but, I'm so proud of him. He finally, finally, got his lines. Lots of them, actually. His dancing is still great, too. He's become such a lovely man with such a lovely body. Good job! Soohyun's singing. Fuckyeah. That's it. I just typed Alexander's name, and, well… sad face. Dongho's rapping disturbs me. Why did he become a rapper? Not that there are too many rappers, with Eli and AJ in action. It's just, IDK, peculiar. He wasn't supposed to be a rapper. But then again, not because you weren't supposed to, doesn't mean you can't.
OVERALL: Neverland is right above the city sky, where the DJ puts the music on. We all have to party on. Da-da-dance a little more. Never stop moving to the never ending, blaring music. This is today's youth's fantasy. With sweaty handsome (half naked) Kpop Idols around. Labels: #cw, %english, `fandom, into it
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By Delfin Mercado It is morning once again. The night has come and gone in a whirlwind f blurred colors and hushed voices. The stale half of a jelly-filled donut lies on top of a bundle of envelopes and paper. Crushed coffee cups, cigarette butts and empty fastfood cartons litter the floor.
On every available bench and chair, someone is trying to catch a few minutes of sleep. The effect of that last cup of coffee I drank a few hours ago is already wearing off. My eyelids are drooping and I'm tempted to doze off for a while but I know that I shouldn't. It's "crunch time: in the Collegian office, and everyone is tapping on their laptops like crazy. The sound of the typing mingles with the monotonous buzzing of the airconditioner to seemingly mumble: "hush baby, close your eyes."
Sleep is the greatest flaw of humankind. Half of our lives is wasted on sleep. Imagine how much time that is. Without sleep, we could do twice as much. I wish I could go on working for days on end, without ever batting an eyelash.
The fellow beside me is yawning while squinting at a particularly red draft flashing on his laptop screen. One of the editors is lying on the floor face down, muttering "kill me now, kill me now." Behind me, an irate layout artist is pacing the floor, calming herself while waiting for articles to turn up. Far beyond, in the next room, I could hear someone snoring. A fallen warrior, dead to the world.
Sleep is a temptation. And losers succumb to it easily. Evading sleep is a skill and an art, a combination of proper training and right tricks of the trade. In this fast world where everything is paid by the hour, mastering the art of staying awake is the key to social mobility.
Mankind's civilization will reach its highest point when humans finally eradicate sleep. With people staying awake all the time, more hours may be spent on valuable research or in the creation of the best artworks.
The fellow beside me has also fallen to the trap, head on keyboard. A few moments from now, the few who have remained standing will also fall. I must outlive them. I am efficient. I am the man. I will defeat sleep. It has been three days since the last time I was able to sleep on my own bed. Or sleep at all. I don't sleep - I take naps.
Just a little bit more and I'll outlast them. Poor, unfortunate, inefficient souls.
The morning sun is already showing its might. The letters in my laptop screen are slowly turning in a psychedelic fashion. Hello, Mr. Sandman.
[Published in the Philippine Collegian, September 8, 2011] Labels: #cw, %english, `life
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I am guilty: I forgot your birthday. I haven't been myself for so long, and, well, I wasn't able to greet you on your special day. Even though I remembered your birthday later, I didn't have the courage to greet you late… until now, that is. (I wrote this September 3, just didn't have strong enough internet.) I'd wish something for you, but, I don't know what you don't have. I do know you're already blessed with wisdom, knowledge, beauty, friendship, love... And, well, :) I guess I just wish this new year in your life is as great, if not better, than the previous one. You're growing up to be a great person. :) I love you~! Labels: #cw, %english, fireworks
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It's a common patch-up for broken "romantic" relationships. It's just natural for the one left behind to say they'll wait. When you say you'll "wait" for someone, it sounds so noble, so loyal. It's one honest feeling you have right after a break-up. But, seriously, think about it. If a person really loves you, they won't let you wait for them. If they care enough about you, they'll atleast tell you not to wait… They'll tell you to live your life. They'll tell you to go out there and have the fun you deserve. They'll tell you to go date others, go running after your dreams. They won't just let you wait. They won't imply for you to wait. They won't even show the slightest comfort on the idea. And on that note, I'm glad I loved someone who never burdened me with the idea of waiting. When someone says they'll wait for you, don't expect such things. People are not patient by nature. And, honestly now, we dislike waiting*. We hate lines, and taking numbers. We want to be serviced now. We want answers ASAP. We want all the good things RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW. But, we never want to handle the bad things ASAP, and that's a different story, I'm going off topic. ANYWAY, back to the topic, we dislike waiting. If you respect the person atleast, don't let them wait. Be a gentleman (or a lady, or a human atleast) and don't make them wait for your sorry ass to be ready for them. Don't stop them from living their life. Don't let them waste their time. Everybody changes. You'll never know if you'll ever be good enough for them. You'll never know if they'll ever find someone better than you. Thus, don't make someone wait for you. And even if they insist, don't expect them to. Anytime you're going on with your life, messing around, thinking it's okay since someone's waiting for you, they might snap out of it and move on. And, besides, if you really want to be good enough for someone, you won't let them "wait". You stay by their side, and bit by bit , be molded into the person the relationship needs. Woo. But, you know, that's just me. :) My blog, my opinion. A/N: *I was planning to say "hate waiting", but then, hate is a strong word. **Did you notice how many "atleast's" there are in this post? LOL. OVERUSED. Labels: #cw, %english, `life
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tagboard soon
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The cat loves to purr, and meow, and hiss. She's a very noisy cat, obviously. Kitty loves to sleep, next to her love for food. Food she loves include pizza, pasta, crepes, pancakes, cakes, milktea,burgers, etc. She loves being worshipped. Bow down to me!!! She loves cuddles, unless we're not close, eew don't touch me freak.
This kitty is in-love with a non-reacting bunny. He's always acting cool, and fails at it. He is crazy and loves computers.
This is still pretty much under construction; hence the emptiness.
Adopted Trees.
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